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Frank Mahony

What has happened to getting gas?

12/11/2009   Comment on This

I’m almost ready to start looking for any remaining full service gas stations. Are there any still?

Gas stations have become such a pain in the ass. Remember the good old days? You pulled in and heard “ding ding” “ding ding.” Then, a guy with blue overalls and grease all over his hands walked over and asked, “Premium or regular?” Finally you handed him cash (less than a dollar a gallon) and then - “ding ding” - you were on your way.

Fast forward to now...

I have to figure out which way to pull in – because every other car I drive has the gas door on the opposite side. I have to look in the rear view mirrors to find it and figure out which way to pull in. Of course, whatever way I need to pull in, there are two cars facing the wrong way blocking me from getting to the pump.

At the pump, there is no longer a friendly grease monkey. Instead, I have to deal with the automated gas pump. When these first came out, they were quick and easy, but along the way bankers and marketing people have turned these into an abomination that is an argumentative pain in the ass. It’s like they programmed a snotty concierge from a French hotel in there. It’s polite in a smarmy kind of way. It would be better if was just plane rude.

Machine: PLEASE INSERT CARD
Me: I put the card in

Machine: PLEASE REMOVE CARD (SLOWLY)
Me: I remove card

Machine: READ ERROR – PLEASE TRY AGAIN
Me: Come on!!! I did what you asked. I can’t remove it any slower – was that too slow or what?

Machine: PLEASE INSERT CARD
Me: I put the card in again

Machine: PLEASE REMOVE CARD (SLOWLY)
Me: I remove card slowly – but not too slowly - This is like some Olympic event where I’ll be scored for removing the card at exactly the correct speed. I try to use a little wrist action at the end for style points.

Machine: PLEASE SELECT DEBIT/CREDIT
Me: Hey, Alex Trebek – I’m trying to get gas – can’t you figure this out?
Me: Fine – Alex I'll take “Credit for $400” - because I have no idea what my Debit card PIN is

Machine: PLEASE ENTER ZIP CODE
Me: What... are we dating now? Are you coming to meet my parents next? I just want gas and its freaking cold.

Machine: PLEASE ENTER ZIP CODE
Me: Typing numbers on a shity keypad that half the time doesn’t register so you have to press over and over, harder and harder, until it works. I’m seriously thinking about getting the tire iron from my trunk about now, to teach this machine a lesson.

Machine: APPROVING – PLEASE WAIT
Me: Sure, what the hell else am I going to do – leave now?

Machine: WOULD YOU LIKE A CAR WASH?
Me: Its four fucking degrees outside. Am I on Candid Camera or something? Of course - NO.
Me: Also, I am aware that if I said YES – I need to prepare for another series of questions.

Machine: PLEASE SELECT GRADE
Me: I’ll take an A+ - and you’re really starting to piss me off. Are we anywhere near me getting gas so I can get out of here?

(Finally I pump the gas, which somehow ends up all over my hands and the side of the car as they try to distract me with Jay Leno or Conan O'Brien – what is this supposed to accomplish? If I wanted to watch television, I would go to a sports bar)

Machine: WOULD YOU LIKE A RECEIPT
Me: You know, this has been SO FUN, I actually would like a memento of our time together. Maybe I can display it in my office next to the pictures of my wife and kids - were practically like family now. On second thought – NO.

Machine: PLEASE INSERT CARD
Me: So that’s it? After all you put me through, no thank you? No we appreciate your business?

You know what? I "am" getting the tire iron to teach this ungrateful pump a lesson. Can one of you scratch together some bail money to spring me after I get arrested for destruction of property?

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Frank Mahony

Newest Government Bailout Program

11/27/2009   Comment on This

This Just In...

Obama's new bailout: Cash for LeftoversIn a move likely to score a big win with much of the American public, the Obama administration announced a new federal bailout program.

The President explained today:

Many Americans... have eaten... quite a bit... of the turkey... dinner they prepared... yesterday... and now face the... dilemma... of plastic baggies... and containers filled... with leftovers... in their refrigerators... These leftovers... while still edible... and nutritious... pose a problem... to the grocery... industry... for reduced sales... in the coming... weeks... And so today, we... are announcing... our latest program... we call...

Cash for Leftovers...


(at that point the teleprompter broke and Geithner took over)

Tim Geithner, Secretary of the Treasury and Bailout Concepts, clarified: “The program offers families the ability to bring their Thanksgiving leftovers to the neighborhood grocery store and redeem a voucher worth $150 towards a brand new turkey dinner. The grocery store will then destroy the food to prevent it from being used by anyone trying to defraud this important new federal program. Rather than allow people to eat their “used’ turkeys, we’re trying to spur new turkey sales and hopefully improve the long term survivability of turkey agri-business in general.”

Turkey Carcass: Obama's new bailout planWith over 100 million leftover turkeys hanging in the balance, critics are already complaining about the costs to the American taxpayer. The program is expected generate $800 million in retail sales while costing approximately $1 billion plus an additional $400 million in paperwork and oversight to verify the destruction of all leftovers.

In response to naysayers that say the financials of the program don’t make sense, the Obama administration said the GAO will work up some new numbers and it will all make sense later. However, they stress that it is imperative that the program be implemented immediately before leftovers are either eaten or thrown away.

Reporting Live from Washington DC, this is Frank E Boy for Geoff Pinkus News.


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Frank Mahony

The Subject Jumper's Husband

10/26/2009   Comment on This

Quantum Leap TV showThere used to be a TV series called “Quantum Leap” where a science experiment goes wrong which causes the star of the show to be transported from one time and place to another for each episode of the show.

Then there was a movie this summer called “The Time Traveler’s Wife” also about a guy who flips around through time and his wife gets left behind waiting for him to return (or something like that). Obviously I didn’t see it. It’s not Man’s Show material. It sounds like a bad “chick flick” with some sci-fi thrown in to fool the guys. If you have to use trickery to get people there, the movie premise can’t be all that compelling. By the time you guys that saw it realized that you were bamboozled, it was probably too late and you were trapped in the theatre for the duration.

The Time Traveler's Wife - a Chick FlickAs I was riding in the car with my wife (The Diva) the other day, I realized that our conversations could be the subject of a movie plot that would be called “The Subject Jumper’s Husband.”

We are sometimes in the car, sometimes in the house, wherever… having what I mistakenly believe to be a linear conversation (yes, I was a science major in college).

And then it happens suddenly.

There are no cool special effects or flashes of laser light like the movies/TV to signal the “leap” but I am suddenly transported to another conversation that has no similarities, relevancy or even vague connections to what we where just discussing seconds ago.

Because of the lack of special effects, I am clueless that the “leap” occurred for several seconds and sometimes minutes. I’m sure I look puzzled for a while and then it hits me…

The Subject Jumper's Husband“Wow! I guess we just leaped!”

Just so you understand, The Diva is way more powerful than any of those TV/movie characters you’ve seen before. She can “leap” any time she wants and isn’t victimized by random “leaping.” When she realizes that “I understand” that we’ve leaped and that I may be a little bit traumatized – she just laughs and then “boom” she can bring us back to where we were as quickly as she wants.

Sometimes we “leap” back and forth so many times – I get lost.
She is never fazed.

It’s not easy being married to someone with super powers like that. But I’m a secure enough man to admit I am no match for her abilities.

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Frank Mahony

Clunkers for Peace

10/9/2009   Comment on This

Ok, I really try not to get political. I’ve got friends of every political persuasion and some of them get really bent out of shape when you criticize their ideals or their party. Why is it when someone criticizes my moderately conservative political leanings, I am able to ignore it so easily without bouncing off the walls?

(Maybe that's a blog entry all by itself)

Clunkers for Peace - Peace Prize
Fist Bump Peace Prize
Give The Queen an Ipod Peace Prize
Checking out a "Piece" - Peace Prize
Sadly, the Pinker was passed over for consideration as a possible recipient of the Nobel Prize and the selection committee completely ignored his tireless work in keeping the People of Chicago either awake or asleep overnight as needed. He’s kind of like an all purpose “Radio Ritalin” - affecting each person differently; he makes some people more hyper and other people less hyper. Go figure (for my doctor friends: Radio Methylphenidate didn't sound as funny).

I’ve got to be the 20 millionth person weighing in on Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize. But here’s the question: what are the criteria used to select a winner of the Peace Prize?

Do you win the Nobel Peace Prize because of something you’ve already done or what you plan to do?

If it’s based on what you’ve done, we have to consider some of the cool and impressive things that the President has already been able to accomplish in such a short amount of time:

  • Clunkers for Peace Prize
  • Wall Street & Automaker Bail Out Peace Prize
  • Failure at Copenhagen Peace Prize
  • Counter Culture Tsar “Du Jour” Appointee Peace Prize
  • Spending Historic Sums in the Shortest Time Peace Prize
  • Give the Queen an I-pod Peace Prize
  • Fist Bump with the First Lady Peace Prize
  • Checking Out "A Piece" - Peace Prize
  • A Beer at the White House with a Harvard “Hot Head” and a Cop Peace Prize
  • Record Shattering Campaign Contributions Peace Prize

For my left leaning friends, you'll notice I did not include any accomplishments that are not fact. There is no hearsay and the results are auditable. Moreover, "hot head" is not opinion; when you go "schizo" on a cop, you're a "hot head!" (look it up)

All I'm just saying is that if you give the man a prize - lets review his existing body of work!

On the other hand, if it’s not based on what you’ve already done but instead based on what you plan to do or wish you could do – the possibilities are limitless...

I’ll task you use your imagination to think of the possible Peace Prizable “accomplishments” that the future might hold in store for our President.

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Frank Mahony

Nothing is Funny

10/2/2009   Comment on This

A friend of mine asked me – what’s going on with your blog?

I guess at one point, your blog becomes like your evil twin that you are expected to control. Sometimes your blog is entertaining and everyone tells you how good your blog is and you can be proud of your digital sibling. Other times, you are accountable for your blogs inactions and lack of effort or inability to deliver the goods. It’s kind of a relief that you aren’t directly accountable. I can easily brush off criticism with a comment like:

“My blog… Yeah you’re right; I really need to get that in order. That blog of mine is really slipping these days. I need to sit that blog down for a talk and get things back on the right track.”

But, I didn’t brush it off. I did the uncommon thing and I told him the truth of my current medical/mental condition which I’ll call blog constipation. “Nothing’s funny anymore,” I explained.

He laughed - which kind of shot holes through the statement (there is humor in the fact that I am unfunny). So, maybe I should have stated it this way: “Nothing is funny to me anymore.”

The irritating scowl of Nancy PelosiI’m only partially serious but it seems were at a time in the history of the world where it’s so much easier to write about news and events than humor or entertainment. Everybody is so unhinged on politics, class warfare, right vs. left, healthcare, the economy, etc…

The easy solution is to force my evil twin to go to the dark side and blog about topical “news” items. But who needs more of that crap?

It’s kind of like the world had a huge, going-out-of-business clearance sale on “funny” and the only things left on the “funny” shelf are old, picked over, recycled and refurbished.

the wonderful dance moves of Tom DelayObama got Internationally Dissed
Let’s just go through the list:

  • Obama being shunned in Copenhagen – not funny
  • Healthcare reform – not funny
  • The irritating scowls of Nancy Pelosi – not funny at all
  • The slow economy – not funny
  • Tom Delay on Dancing with the Stars – a little funny, but not enough

I’m not giving up. I just need to look harder. Funny comes from the weirdest places. I can’t wait until I find something funny – because then we can all be proud of my blog again.


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Recent Blogs

DateSubject
12/11/2009 What has happened to getting gas?
11/27/2009 Newest Government Bailout Program
10/26/2009 The Subject Jumper's Husband
10/9/2009 Clunkers for Peace
10/2/2009 Nothing is Funny

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