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Frank Mahony

The Time Stimulus Package

3/14/2010   Comment on This

Hey it was “just” that time of year again! No, no... not that weird naked ritual you and your neighbors do in the back yard – I’m talking about daylight savings time.

So on Saturday night, I’m grazing on some snack food with my son and the Diva reminds us: “Don’t forget... The clocks change tonight...” I asked “we gain or lose an hour?” If I wasn’t in a potato chip induced food coma, I would have remembered (“spring ahead”). When she said, “we lose an hour,” we both simultaneously let out a sound that sounded like swearing and letting the air out of your tires.

Obama Time Stimulus PackageI’m too tired to lose an hour.
I need that hour.

So, we both considered, can’t Obama do something about this? Didn’t they goof around with daylight saving time a while back to extend it or something?

Since the Obama “dream team” comes up with a new, goofy-ass plan almost daily, we think this should be the next thing he tries to ram through Congress: The Time Stimulus Package.

The Time Stimulus Package of 2010 modifies daylight savings so that regardless of the season, Spring or Fall, the clocks are adjusted to provide an extra hour of sleep. Forget about sunlight, energy savings and all that other crap. When you think about the other impossible and financially ridiculous things they've proposed, this sounds like a "no brainer" - right?

We want more sleep and we don’t care who has to deal with the consequences. So, for the next 10, 15 or 20+ years, we get more sleep and then one day in the future, when there is only one remaining employed American – the poor bastard will need to work 22 hour days forever. He’ll curse the former president and his staff every day, but by then Obama will have retired from politics and will be a Television Talk Show Host, working for his new boss, Oprah, making billions.

Hey it’s not my problem – I didn’t vote for Obama. Plus, I’ll be retired by then too, living off all the free benefits the government will provide from taxing the life and soul out of that sorry sap. My only worry is that I hope there’s no way they figure out how to incorporate a "freeloaders only provision" where they give the extra hour ONLY to Obama supporters.

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Frank Mahony

Hospital Pickup Lines

2/3/2010   Comment on This

Over the years, I've spent a lot of time around hospitals and medical offices at my “other” job. The people that work in healthcare have a tough assignment – it’s not easy being around people that have health problems. Healthcare workers have to stay focused on "helping people" to avoid getting depressed. Eventually, many become a little twisted and look for the humor in what is otherwise a non-humorous place. The twisted humor somehow adds sanity to an insane place in a weird way.

So, the other day, I’m in a hospital waiting room. People are walking up, and signing in for tests and surgeries. Some have a smile, while others have a pretty somber look on their face.

Then, along comes along "Mr Story" (with vocal volume set to 10)

Greeter: Hello sir, are you checking in?
Mr Story: My doctor says I should have this test because for the last year I’ve been having this problem and he thinks...

Greeter: Can I have your name sir?
Mr Story: (has not stopped taking) ...and I don’t know if I need this but he says we should do it anyway because then...

Greeter: (trying to get a word in) SIR, are you scheduled for a test today?
Mr Story: (has not even taken a breath) ...so I’m just supposed to show up here and you will know what I’m here for and...

Greeter: (interrupting) Your NAME sir, please?
Mr Story: (finally pausing) ...Oh - I’m Sam Story - and so do I wait here or is there somewhere else I need to go to...

He just can’t help himself. Some people talk a lot when they’re nervous but this guy ain’t nervous – he’s a talk-a-holic who can’t stop. It’s a symptom of bad parenting and I shouldn’t laugh but I can’t help it. He’s obnoxious and hilarious.

So they tell him to go sit down and he does sit - but he's poised like a hawk waiting to pounce on the next victim. After a few moments, a pair of twenty something girls show up for a “test.” They’re very giggly and look a little trashy with lots of piercings, tattoos and thick makeup – I’m postulating maybe an STD test but I could be wrong.

Mr Story is watching them like a spectator at a tennis match – his eyes and head change direction from one to the other and back as they giggle and whisper to each other.

Finally, I think he realized that he hadn’t talked for almost five minutes and something just bursts out of nowhere... I’m not even sure he was conscious of it until it came out.

Mr Story: So.... Are you girls here for surgery?...

I am so glad I hadn’t just taken a sip of coffee – because I would have sprayed it all over the room out of my nose. That’s "the best" ice breaker/pickup line I’ve ever heard.

They simultaneously said “NoooOOO” – almost like backup singers in harmony. Then they retreated into quieter whispers and louder giggles while Mr Story (oblivious) scanned the room for his next target.

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Frank Mahony

We Are So Weak

1/23/2010   Comment on This

I purchased a car charger for a cell phone recently for $5.00 at a big box store. When I got it home, I noticed on the package there was huge writing with a warning that the wires may contain small amounts of lead which can be hazardous to your health and blah, blah, blah....

I understand that we need consumer protection laws – but I think some of this stuff has really gone over the top.

When I was a kid, we used solder and soldering irons to fuse wires together - they contained a lot of lead. Remember fishing weights? It was certainly a lot more than I could possibly be exposed to by a wire, containing trace amounts, that is inside a rubber coated wire of a phone charger. In school science class, I remember pouring mercury on the lab tables and we pushed it around with our fingers, splitting and combining the droplets – an amazing substance. Now I know better - and I guessing we probably absorbed some of that mercury into our bodies. I "think" I remember washing my hands afterwards - maybe not though.

Today, if that happened, they would send in a team from the World Health Organization wearing bio-hazard uniforms as if we had been exposed to Ebola. The school would be shut down and the National Guard would be called in.

I’m in favor of smart protection against real threats. But when the nut jobs want a warning label on “everything,” the whole concept of a warning label gets so diluted that nobody pays attention anymore. The moronic “do-gooders” are slowly desensitizing everyone to the point where you’ll not care anymore. A seriously dangerous warning will carry no more meaning than one of these meaningless CYA legally mandated warnings.

As a country, we’re so weak as we’ve “dumbed down” to this level of silliness where people expect a warning so they don’t have to learn, understand and respect the world around them. Expect anytime soon a warning everywhere you look about the air, water and sunlight and everything else you come in contact every day.

My suggestion... isolate yourself from the world like the “bubble boy” so you don’t come in contact with anything or anybody. Then you won’t have to worry about all the warnings.

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Frank Mahony

I’m Pessimistically Optimistic.

1/1/2010   Comment on This

I’m Pessimistically Optimistic.

It’s not a joke – its how many people feel. You want to get excited about a new year and new possibilities and you “hope” for a “change” in the economy.

On the other hand, we’ve gone through a pretty rough couple of years so you’re not letting your guard down that easy. While Pinkus is the champion of “get off your ass” and “go for it” – I’m the official spokesperson for “look before you leap”.

You may or may not know of a company called Intel. They make the main processing chips in the majority of our computers. For many years, Andy Grove was the leader and driving force behind Intel’s dominance of the computer chip industry and he wrote a book called: “Only the Paranoid Survive”.

I like the sound of that – it’s a great lesson of caution and preparedness.

I’m not saying things aren’t on the upswing and I acknowledge that the future looks brighter. Instead, I’m saying lets keep a more careful eye on the assholes that got us here. People like Bernie Madoff and companies like Enron or AIG get most of the press but our stupid politicians set the stage for what really happened.

They are morons and/or manipulators who will say anything to get in power and stay there.

They vote on things that they don’t read and don’t understand.

We have people in congress that couldn’t balance a checkbook voting on how to raise and spend trillions of dollars. How is anyone surprised when everything doesn’t work out?

You know how when you have a problem with your phone service, the first person you talk to is an idiot and they transfer you to a manager (also an idiot) and after an hour of complaining you finally get through to a smart person who really knows what’s going on and fixes your problem?

Well, there is no “back room” of smart people backing up congress. The people you voted for that you see on TV are the ones making the decisions. Their number one consideration for how they do their job is manipulating the system so they stay in power.

It’s like letting your goofy neighbor take a shot at fixing a space shuttle engine with duct tape and a hammer. He means well. He “hopes” he can figure it out. He knows he’s fixed things before –so he’s optimistic.

But he’s seriously under qualified and you know it.

If you let him do it anyway because you get caught up in his optimism – you’re the cause of our problems.

So have a successful 2010 thusly:

  • Use what you know wisely to your advantage
  • Continuously educate yourself about what you don’t know but should
  • And... when a guy tries to sell you magic beans, realize that you don’t live in "fairy tale land" and vote appropriately

Always remember that talking about great things is very different from being great.

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Recent Blogs

DateSubject
3/14/2010 The Time Stimulus Package
2/3/2010 Hospital Pickup Lines
1/23/2010 We Are So Weak
1/1/2010 I’m Pessimistically Optimistic.

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