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Frank Mahony

Super-Seniors at the DMV

10/21/2010   ( 1 comment )   Comment on This

So, I’m at the DMV the other day waiting forever to get my eye exam, get my picture taken and get the hell outta there. As you know, this is a 45 minute ordeal on a good day and an hour plus when you’re in a hurry – I was.

As I was sitting in the many rows of chairs, bored out of my mind, I glanced at the organ donor pamphlet they handed me on the way in. The picture of a super enthusiastic, smiling Jessie White is a little creepy to me. It’s a good program that saves lives, but Jessie looks a little too excited to get his claws on my lungs and liver. He needs to tone it down a little and look more somber like the funeral parlor guys.

As everyone sits down, they leave a little buffer between themselves and the next person. Some people are in groups of three. why does it take three or more people to get a driver’s license?

Being a scary looking guy – I get an entire row to myself – which is fine by me.

I’m bored with Jessie and everything else in this place in about 3 minutes. Then I start noticing the sizable number of people that I'm suspecting are 90+ years old getting licenses. There is no specific age when you aren't able to drive. For some people, I'm sure they can drive and function into their 90s. Other people probably shouldn't be driving in their 70s. Common sense should prevail here.

Hang on! That guy who is shuffle-walking like the Tim Conway character and can’t hear anything is going to re-new his DRIVING privileges and nobody is saying “NO” - ???

“Sir, can you please read the second line of the eye chart.” Tim Conway looks up from the eye exam machine, he stares at the DMV employee still squinting and says nothing. After about 10 seconds he looks back down into the machine. He knows somebody is talking to him but cannot figure out who and he cannot understand one word. “Sir, can you see the second line?” Again, no response... HOW is this guy able to drive?

The lady with the cane, who can walk about 6 feet at a time and then needs to stop to rest for a minute, is also going to continue to drive? She is so frail, that it took her more than a minutes to figure out how to hang on to something to sit down in a chair. How could she possibly brake quickly or swerve to avoid something?

All these super-seniors are accompanied by a younger person (presumably a daughter) who is supporting this process.

They can’t see, can’t hear and can barely move. How do they possibly belong behind the controls of a one ton steel projectile, moving at 30-70 miles per hour, filled with twenty gallons of flammable liquid?

I blame the family for not putting their foot down when grandma and grandpa are too “out of it” to understand that they are no longer road worthy. When they are at that point, tell them you WILL NOT help them renew their license. If they get mad and “take you out of their will” – so be it.

At least you can sleep at night knowing you have protected the kids standing at the bus stop.

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Frank Mahony

Just Say Blow

10/17/2010   Comment on This

There are signs that all this talk of legalizing marijuana is having a small effect. According to a recent survey, between 2008 and 2009, drugs use grew from 8% to 8.7% among people aged 12 and over.

If you think about our current state of world competitiveness contrasted against our current sense of entitlement and "all about me" priorities – this is probably not a good sign. The old saying is: "when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher." Somehow, if you hear "Dude... pass that shit down here," - it just doesn’t sound like a competent plan for redoubling our efforts towards being the world leader of innovation and finance.

cheech and chongThe desire to be "mind altering" our way through difficult times is a sign and symptom of the weakness that plagues our nation. We think it’s somebody else’s fault that we’re in our undesirable position and if we can just drink/puff/snort/shoot/tax our way through the next week, we’ll be fine.

I’m probably guilty of pizza-ing, McDonald's-ing and Portillo’s-ing my way through a week – but I can’t allow anyone to put drugs and junk food on the same level. You need to eat... It doesn’t actually help me get through the week, it doesn’t stop me from performing well in my work and I can quit any time I want. Hmmm – that’s probably what an addict would say too. Come to think of it, I have sometimes felt like I was sort of drifting off into another plane of consciousness after having a Cheeseburger, a Maxwell Street Polish or freshly made Churros.

Actually, I’ll get off this junk food stream of thought for now... It’s really going nowhere and we need to get back to the important debate over drug legalization.
(Note to self: Look into 12 step programs).

wow dudeThere are people ranging from tax hungry politicians right on through to modern day hippies (is that the same thing?) that are very anxious to legalize, legitimize and tax the shit out of marijuana. The legalization of one drug is possibly the slippery slope to another - especially when we get hooked on the tax revenue. Hooked on drugs, hooked on government hand outs, hooked on taxes, hooked on the power of a political office – they’re all junkies to me. If they were legalizing it for genuine reasons, I might have different feelings. They’re not REALLY supporting legalization as a freedom issue; they’re taking a we-failed-trying-to-stop-it-so-lets-tax-the-hell-out-of-it approach. Those tax and vote junkies are the worst – they’d sell their mother to get more taxes and more votes.

Maybe we can come up with the equivalent of a Methadone clinic for people hooked on tax revenue, political office and entitlement thinking.

What’s really ironic is that the same assholes that have banned smoking are probably "OK" with legalized marijuana because they can use the resulting tax money to buy more votes.

Regan era politics championed the phrase "Just Say No" – I think the political drug slogan for the modern day might end up being "Just Say Blow"

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Frank Mahony

Calling all you iPhoneys!!

9/17/2010   Comment on This

I respect Steve Jobs, Apple founder, for being an innovator and pushing for the best technology. But when you take a boneheaded stance, at some point you have to admit defeat and move on – unless your ego is bigger than Cupertino, CA...
Steve Jobs is wrong this time
Jobs has backed some bad decisions and some really smart ones, but taking the stance that the “iPhone will not support Flash” is going to be a bad move in the long run.

The Verizon Motorola Droid just got an update to allow flash in the browser and that makes the phone’s browser almost as powerful as the one on your computer (it’s just smaller)

Will Apple and Jobs eventually come back with their tail between their legs or will you iPhonies forever look at the missing block where the Flash capability ought to be.

Coming soon is the new Windows 7 Phone – I’m sure it will have Flash as well as all the usual Microsoft goodies like Xbox games, Microsoft Office, etc...

I think either: Apple admits they were wrong or eventually their phone device lead will fade and Apple will eventually lose the phone market.

Think I’m wrong? – ask the guys at Motorola how easily the lead slips away.
They had it all locked up at one time.

Thankfully, the Boys From Illinois are back with their Motorola Droid.

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Frank Mahony

The Jet Blue Baby

8/18/2010   ( 1 comment )   Comment on This

Jet Blue Flight Attendant Steven SlaterI’m really tired of hearing about this Jet Blue Idiot. I cannot believe all the comments from people that have sympathy, support, understanding, compassion, and other “feelings” about his “situation.”

What situation?

If someone (really) hit you in the head, you call it an accident or you file a police report if it was actually intended to injure you – you don’t slide down a slide. WTF is that?

He picked a crappy job in the airline industry where he was essentially a servant to air travelers.

Plus, it’s a business where customers are pissed off all the time. flight was delayed, my flight was cancelled, they lost my bags, the seats are uncomfortable, why do I need to buy another seat for my fat ass, stop that baby from screaming, it’s too hot in here, why aren’t the snacks free, the flight attendants are so rude, the flights are too expensive, I don’t want a middle seat...

Jet Blue Flight Attendant Steven SlaterPeople hate the necessary evils of the airline industry. Anyone working in the business, even for a short time, knows what to expect.

We've all had jobs we eventually hated. You either “suck it up” and deal with the hassles of the job in exchange for the paycheck you’re accepting – or you quit.

You go directly to your management and say, “I’m resigning. Do you want me to work out the next two weeks?”

The drama and stupidity and going down the slide like a child are just screams for attention. He’s like an obnoxious kid stomping his feet in the grocery store because you wont buy him a candy bar.

Goodbye and Good Riddance.

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Frank Mahony

Portillo's Drive Through Reform

8/15/2010   Comment on This

I got a salad recently at a Portillo’s Drive-Through. Not the most glamorous lunch, but for some reason, I had a taste for Caesar Salad dressing.

For those of you from Chicago, you know the deal with Portillo’s – the lines at Portillo’s are so long you think you should drive right past – but they have it covered...

Their food is reasonably good as fast food goes, but their real skill is volume. They gave up on those retarded drive through talking-menu aggravation-devices a long time ago.

Portillo's drive troughWhen it’s even a tiny bit busy, they deploy Portillo’s reinforcements out into the front lines of fast food battle with wireless head sets, cash, coin changers, numbered order tickets, wireless credit card processing units and foul weather gear if needed. At some locations the cars get to 15 deep and/or 2 wide - but the lines keep moving quicker than any drive through operation you’ve ever seen.

So, this time, the bag they handed me contained lots of paperwork...

I’m thinking, what is all this crap?

It turned out to be “take out” menus, catering menus, applications for employment – a big stack of stuff in the bag for one food item. Really odd.

It kinda reminded me of walking out of a hospital after having a blood test with all the paperwork and post care instructions, etc...

Then the light bulb went off...

What if you combined Portillo’s drive through efficiency with healthcare?

First, they probably would never let you order anything off their menu ever again – but beyond that, I think they could help with the speed and cost of healthcare.

I can just picture it now...

Drive-through Blood tests, drive-through x-rays, maybe even Drive through Plastic Surgery?


That’s some real healthcare reform.

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Frank Mahony

Maybe Dumber Than Hot

5/19/2010   Comment on This

Our buddy Tommy Z is hot for Megan Fox.

Tommy is all about cougars but this one’s a little young and maybe not so smart. Sometimes all the Hollywood attention plays games with actors' heads and they think they own the world (we don’t know anyone like that).

Megan FoxBad news for her - she was just voted off the Island.

Her last movie made 16 million (chump change for Hollywood) - doesn’t say how much money they lost but I can guess.

Not a brilliant move to make waves when working on a $1.5 billion dollar movie franchise. There are literally millions of good looking girls waiting in line to be the next “soup du jour” - I can hear the guy at the deli now – he’s yelling “NEXT!!”

Maybe her next movie might work – again with a real pro, John Malkovich. Now that she messed up working with Shia LaBeouf, who will be the next Tom Hanks, she needs to do something to redeem herself. She should blow in a call to John Travolta (and/or Quentin Tarantino) – he pulled his crap out of the dumpster. A conversion to scientology may be on her horizon.

How did this mess happen? Only three possibilities: demanding too much money, too trashy for their tastes or she’s a pain in the ass to work with. Maybe it’s all three – a trifecta (I can’t believe spell check doesn’t know the word trifecta – what is this world coming to).

Am I being too harsh? Maybe... But the ref always gets dirty looks from fans and parents when he makes the right call.

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Frank Mahony

Remember Monopoly: I Want to Be The Banker

4/27/2010   Comment on This

lighting money on fireI had a few moments break between phone calls today and thought I'd take a crack at solving this whole National Debt thing. You know, when you finally get tired of something, you put your nose to the grindstone and you come up with a solution.

It's like pulling an "all nighter" in college to prepare for an exam.

I really don't have a ton of time to put towards this, but I figure any time is more than the current Congress has put towards it, so maybe I have a shot.

You know the old saying, if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.

So, I figured...

When banks need money, they always find a way to get what they want. Whether they break the law, pass some crazy fee onto the customer, get a loan from somebody else or get bailed out, they always find a way to resolve their money issues.

So, I took a play right out of their playbook...

Click the Letter I wrote. Think this will work?

If it does, I may just be the smartest guy alive.

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Frank Mahony

Happy Birthday!

4/15/2010   Comment on This

As you know, my blog can sometimes take a distracted turn – disgracefully disappearing for shuddering periods of time. And so, in a new turn, I return; yet emerging unquestionably different from retirement with a priceless old pal willyS. Not that he’s some fat-witted and fiendlike gangstah rappah, but maybe a consanguineous semi-distant cousin (the real OG) who was dealing unrivaled rhyming roguery back in the day and the birthplace of the language. With overview, he guides this overblown overgrowth toward nonregardance from the overcredulous.

You think you're marketable?
You’re nothing but a zany, foul-mouthed bump.
You couldn’t champion the same roadway as my nimble-footed, catlike pedant silly-willyS

Ok – what they hell am I talking about?
Are you totally lost?   Good!

By now, some understand - but the others... well... you need to cover up because your GED is showing.

We're talking about the master of the King's written word, the employer of excitement who will always be the foregone hero.

You have no idea, still?

As willyS might say - you appear “uneducated” - or do you feign batty for expedience?

If you compromise defeat and stand prepared to expose your seamy, idle-headed nature - know that I am not cruelhearted or distrustful, yet duteous, and offer the goods of my depositary with nary more than a click.

Happy Birthday (soon) willyS. Long gone, but your presence continues to glow in unquestioned fixture.

How many words have you coined? We lost count... (See here)

Clicked on the picture and can't make out the signature?
(you STILL don't get it? - wow!!) CLICK HERE

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Frank Mahony

The Time Stimulus Package

3/14/2010   Comment on This

Hey it was “just” that time of year again! No, no... not that weird naked ritual you and your neighbors do in the back yard – I’m talking about daylight savings time.

So on Saturday night, I’m grazing on some snack food with my son and the Diva reminds us: “Don’t forget... The clocks change tonight...” I asked “we gain or lose an hour?” If I wasn’t in a potato chip induced food coma, I would have remembered (“spring ahead”). When she said, “we lose an hour,” we both simultaneously let out a sound that sounded like swearing and letting the air out of your tires.

Obama Time Stimulus PackageI’m too tired to lose an hour.
I need that hour.

So, we both considered, can’t Obama do something about this? Didn’t they goof around with daylight saving time a while back to extend it or something?

Since the Obama “dream team” comes up with a new, goofy-ass plan almost daily, we think this should be the next thing he tries to ram through Congress: The Time Stimulus Package.

The Time Stimulus Package of 2010 modifies daylight savings so that regardless of the season, Spring or Fall, the clocks are adjusted to provide an extra hour of sleep. Forget about sunlight, energy savings and all that other crap. When you think about the other impossible and financially ridiculous things they've proposed, this sounds like a "no brainer" - right?

We want more sleep and we don’t care who has to deal with the consequences. So, for the next 10, 15 or 20+ years, we get more sleep and then one day in the future, when there is only one remaining employed American – the poor bastard will need to work 22 hour days forever. He’ll curse the former president and his staff every day, but by then Obama will have retired from politics and will be a Television Talk Show Host, working for his new boss, Oprah, making billions.

Hey it’s not my problem – I didn’t vote for Obama. Plus, I’ll be retired by then too, living off all the free benefits the government will provide from taxing the life and soul out of that sorry sap. My only worry is that I hope there’s no way they figure out how to incorporate a "freeloaders only provision" where they give the extra hour ONLY to Obama supporters.

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Frank Mahony

Hospital Pickup Lines

2/3/2010   Comment on This

Over the years, I've spent a lot of time around hospitals and medical offices at my “other” job. The people that work in healthcare have a tough assignment – it’s not easy being around people that have health problems. Healthcare workers have to stay focused on "helping people" to avoid getting depressed. Eventually, many become a little twisted and look for the humor in what is otherwise a non-humorous place. The twisted humor somehow adds sanity to an insane place in a weird way.

So, the other day, I’m in a hospital waiting room. People are walking up, and signing in for tests and surgeries. Some have a smile, while others have a pretty somber look on their face.

Then, along comes along "Mr Story" (with vocal volume set to 10)

Greeter: Hello sir, are you checking in?
Mr Story: My doctor says I should have this test because for the last year I’ve been having this problem and he thinks...

Greeter: Can I have your name sir?
Mr Story: (has not stopped taking) ...and I don’t know if I need this but he says we should do it anyway because then...

Greeter: (trying to get a word in) SIR, are you scheduled for a test today?
Mr Story: (has not even taken a breath) I’m just supposed to show up here and you will know what I’m here for and...

Greeter: (interrupting) Your NAME sir, please?
Mr Story: (finally pausing) ...Oh - I’m Sam Story - and so do I wait here or is there somewhere else I need to go to...

He just can’t help himself. Some people talk a lot when they’re nervous but this guy ain’t nervous – he’s a talk-a-holic who can’t stop. It’s a symptom of bad parenting and I shouldn’t laugh but I can’t help it. He’s obnoxious and hilarious.

So they tell him to go sit down and he does sit - but he's poised like a hawk waiting to pounce on the next victim. After a few moments, a pair of twenty something girls show up for a “test.” They’re very giggly and look a little trashy with lots of piercings, tattoos and thick makeup – I’m postulating maybe an STD test but I could be wrong.

Mr Story is watching them like a spectator at a tennis match – his eyes and head change direction from one to the other and back as they giggle and whisper to each other.

Finally, I think he realized that he hadn’t talked for almost five minutes and something just bursts out of nowhere... I’m not even sure he was conscious of it until it came out.

Mr Story: So.... Are you girls here for surgery?...

I am so glad I hadn’t just taken a sip of coffee – because I would have sprayed it all over the room out of my nose. That’s "the best" ice breaker/pickup line I’ve ever heard.

They simultaneously said “NoooOOO” – almost like backup singers in harmony. Then they retreated into quieter whispers and louder giggles while Mr Story (oblivious) scanned the room for his next target.

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Frank Mahony

We Are So Weak

1/23/2010   Comment on This

I purchased a car charger for a cell phone recently for $5.00 at a big box store. When I got it home, I noticed on the package there was huge writing with a warning that the wires may contain small amounts of lead which can be hazardous to your health and blah, blah, blah....

I understand that we need consumer protection laws – but I think some of this stuff has really gone over the top.

When I was a kid, we used solder and soldering irons to fuse wires together - they contained a lot of lead. Remember fishing weights? It was certainly a lot more than I could possibly be exposed to by a wire, containing trace amounts, that is inside a rubber coated wire of a phone charger. In school science class, I remember pouring mercury on the lab tables and we pushed it around with our fingers, splitting and combining the droplets – an amazing substance. Now I know better - and I guessing we probably absorbed some of that mercury into our bodies. I "think" I remember washing my hands afterwards - maybe not though.

Today, if that happened, they would send in a team from the World Health Organization wearing bio-hazard uniforms as if we had been exposed to Ebola. The school would be shut down and the National Guard would be called in.

I’m in favor of smart protection against real threats. But when the nut jobs want a warning label on “everything,” the whole concept of a warning label gets so diluted that nobody pays attention anymore. The moronic “do-gooders” are slowly desensitizing everyone to the point where you’ll not care anymore. A seriously dangerous warning will carry no more meaning than one of these meaningless CYA legally mandated warnings.

As a country, we’re so weak as we’ve “dumbed down” to this level of silliness where people expect a warning so they don’t have to learn, understand and respect the world around them. Expect anytime soon a warning everywhere you look about the air, water and sunlight and everything else you come in contact every day.

My suggestion... isolate yourself from the world like the “bubble boy” so you don’t come in contact with anything or anybody. Then you won’t have to worry about all the warnings.

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Frank Mahony

I’m Pessimistically Optimistic.

1/1/2010   Comment on This

I’m Pessimistically Optimistic.

It’s not a joke – its how many people feel. You want to get excited about a new year and new possibilities and you “hope” for a “change” in the economy.

On the other hand, we’ve gone through a pretty rough couple of years so you’re not letting your guard down that easy. While Pinkus is the champion of “get off your ass” and “go for it” – I’m the official spokesperson for “look before you leap”.

You may or may not know of a company called Intel. They make the main processing chips in the majority of our computers. For many years, Andy Grove was the leader and driving force behind Intel’s dominance of the computer chip industry and he wrote a book called: “Only the Paranoid Survive”.

I like the sound of that – it’s a great lesson of caution and preparedness.

I’m not saying things aren’t on the upswing and I acknowledge that the future looks brighter. Instead, I’m saying lets keep a more careful eye on the assholes that got us here. People like Bernie Madoff and companies like Enron or AIG get most of the press but our stupid politicians set the stage for what really happened.

They are morons and/or manipulators who will say anything to get in power and stay there.

They vote on things that they don’t read and don’t understand.

We have people in congress that couldn’t balance a checkbook voting on how to raise and spend trillions of dollars. How is anyone surprised when everything doesn’t work out?

You know how when you have a problem with your phone service, the first person you talk to is an idiot and they transfer you to a manager (also an idiot) and after an hour of complaining you finally get through to a smart person who really knows what’s going on and fixes your problem?

Well, there is no “back room” of smart people backing up congress. The people you voted for that you see on TV are the ones making the decisions. Their number one consideration for how they do their job is manipulating the system so they stay in power.

It’s like letting your goofy neighbor take a shot at fixing a space shuttle engine with duct tape and a hammer. He means well. He “hopes” he can figure it out. He knows he’s fixed things before –so he’s optimistic.

But he’s seriously under qualified and you know it.

If you let him do it anyway because you get caught up in his optimism – you’re the cause of our problems.

So have a successful 2010 thusly:

  • Use what you know wisely to your advantage
  • Continuously educate yourself about what you don’t know but should
  • And... when a guy tries to sell you magic beans, realize that you don’t live in "fairy tale land" and vote appropriately

Always remember that talking about great things is very different from being great.

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Recent Blogs

10/21/2010 Super-Seniors at the DMV
10/17/2010 Just Say Blow
9/17/2010 Calling all you iPhoneys!!
8/18/2010 The Jet Blue Baby
8/15/2010 Portillo's Drive Through Reform
5/19/2010 Maybe Dumber Than Hot
4/27/2010 Remember Monopoly: I Want to Be The Banker
4/15/2010 Happy Birthday!
3/14/2010 The Time Stimulus Package
2/3/2010 Hospital Pickup Lines
1/23/2010 We Are So Weak
1/1/2010 I’m Pessimistically Optimistic.

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