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Frank Mahony

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Frank Mahony

Evanston Takes a Stand

3/7/2012   ( 1 comment )   Comment on This

You cannot argue that people driving while using a cell phone has either caused, or in some way contributed to, SOME car accidents. So naturally, the elected ruling class in Evanston, IL decided that YOU cannot operate a car while talking on a cell phone – even if the phone is hands free.

But I say, why single out cell phones?

There are many other equally distracting obstacles that drivers encounter which draw their attention away from the road and surrounding vehicles. If these distractions were analyzed, we would conclude that they have caused a significant (maybe equal) number of accidents. The only logical conclusion, for driver safety, is that these should be banned in Evanston also.

Therefore, today I begin my petition requesting that the Evanston Elders work on laws to make all of the following Distractions to Drivers illegal:

  • Street Signs
  • Headlights
  • Any Bright or Flashing Light (Including Red Light Cameras)
  • Any Writing, Logos or Pictures on Vehicles (Trucks)
  • Attractive People (Especially Hot Women)
  • Heavy Traffic (Actually an other Vehicles on the road)
  • Speeds beyond 20mph
  • Color
  • Speaking
  • Singing
  • Humming
  • Music
  • Sound
  • Bad Weather
  • Food or Drink (including Gum)
  • In fact when you consider all the facts driving isn't 100% safe, so consider Banning Driving altogether

If you think of anything I’ve missed, please add it to the list and then sign my petition.

Pass this on to everyone you know so we can finally make Evanston safe.

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Frank Mahony

Bathroom Hands

2/23/2012   Comment on This

How many times has this happened to you?
Old School Hand Towels
You use a public restroom. You wash your hands. You dry your hands.
(pretty much)

And by pretty much, I mean how much drying can you do?

If you’re at home, it’s home base. You know the tactical situation, all available exits and the location of all useful materials for accomplishing your mission.

But when you’re at work, at a restaurant, at a neighbor’s house... you’re at the mercy of whatever you might find.

I've routinely had to deal with:

  • Damp community towels (what else is on this thing?)
  • A giant box dispensing an endless roll of some weird white cloth from the 1950s
  • Puffy/fluffy disintegrating decorative paper hand towels
  • Electric Hand dryers that take 14 hours to do minimal drying
  • Generic non-absorbent sheets that resemble sandpaper
  • Nothing at all

So, in most circumstances, you probably just alternately brush your hands up and down your sides and use your pants to dry your hands. At least you know how clean your clothes are. You think to yourself, “My hands will ‘air dry’ within a few minutes – this is fine.”

But then, inevitably, and usually within seconds, people descend on you like a SWAT team, dragging along a person that you absolutely MUST meet at this exact moment.

As the person extends a hand to shake, you’re partially mumbling some excuse about just coming from the bathroom and then you realize that story doesn’t sound good. Are your hands damp because you just washed them? – or because you just didn’t?

This is the awkward situation known as “Bathroom Hands”

Wet Bathroom HandsYou can try to quickly give your hands a few more passes up and down the sides of your pants – but you know they’re still going to be sufficiently damp. That moment of squishy hand contact is inevitable. You can only stall for so long.

If you try to explain the reason your hands are damp, you sound either like you are lying or like you are overcompensating (possibly unbalanced).

Bottom line - There is no easy way to get out of this.

So my newest recommendation is this: Don’t even try to dry your hands anymore. Come out of the bathroom/restroom with water dripping off your arms and hands like you're in the middle of fixing the plumbing in there and you just stepped out to take a break.

Then, go ahead and shake hands vigorously and proudly. Make it the other guy's problem to wonder about what just happened. And don't say a word about it.

You’ll feel better – trust me...

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Frank Mahony

It's kind of funny...

1/30/2012   Comment on This

I am officially calling for a ban on ANYONE introducing a story/comment by saying: "It's kind of funny..."

Before I get into it any farther, let's get to the bottom line: It is NOT funny.

It's not at all funny. It's nothing that Ricky Gervais would say, nothing that Chris Rock would say. In fact it's so "not funny" that you couldn't even get Judy Tenuta or Emo Phillips to say it.


"It's kind of funny... The other day I was waiting in line at McDonalds and this lady was screaming at her kids."

"It's kind of funny... Last week my friends and I were at a bar, and we just sat there for hours talking and never ordered any drinks"

"It's kind of funny... I usually forget to get gas in my car until I'm almost on empty."

See what I'm saying?
No funny anywhere to be seen.
Funny has left the building – TYVM.

So my suggestion/DEMAND is that everyone make the move towards accuracy. I must insist that you start your sentences and stories with something closer to the truth like these alternatives:

Speaking of things that are very uninteresting...

Something really boring happen recently...

I like to hear myself talk, would you mind listening?...

Now, next time you're speaking and the people you're talking to avoid eye contact, or groan/sigh or even spontaneously go into a coma, you'll understand what is "actually" happening.

When you preface your concept appropriately going forward – you're politely giving people the option of faking a sudden need to use the restroom or pretending to get an important text messages so they can back away and save face for everyone involved.

If I can leave you with one thought it would be: Don't oversell it.

With that said, happy story telling to you.

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Frank Mahony

Can You Please Rate Me?

1/13/2012   Comment on This

Many retail stores and other types of business that deal with the public have been told by customer retention consultants and by various business books that they need to measure and constantly improve their customer service. Nowhere in the world is that more true than in the US where customers are very demanding of service and, sadly, service is becoming our primary business.

To accomplish these measurements of quality, you've probably been asked by a customer service employee to fill out some sort of form to "rate them." Some are bold enough to explain: We don't get any sort of commission but my bonus pay is entirely driven by these customer ratings so if you would please fill out a survey, I would appreciate it.

Bad Service Can You Rate Me?Now, that's all fine for a good employee and as long as it isn’t some giant pain in the ass questionnaire, I’ll fill it out. But lately, it seems like only the crappiest employees are giving me the full court press for these evaluation.

As I'm hearing the words come out of their mouth, I'm thinking: "You really must exist in another dimension on the other side of the universe. You're saying you actually want me to 'write down' what a terrible job you did? You ooze lack of interest in doing a good job. What good thing could you possibly expect me to say?"

And then for some stupid reason - I do nothing. Why do any of us feel bad complaining when we spend good money and get bad service? I think many of us have some weird sense of ultra-politeness that urges us to not saying anything unless we have something nice to say.

So going forward, I've decided that if they ask - I'm gonna oblige.

Remember service people, you asked me to do this for you. You asked of me a "favor" and in all fairness, you now "owe" me a favor in return - regardless of what I say.

I guarantee it will be a fair and true evaluation based on your performance. If by my assistance you end up needing to "locate" more suitable employment, then I think I did a favor for you in the long run.

Consider this my "public notice" of fair warning. Don’t ask unless you mean it.

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Frank Mahony

Death Chairs

1/9/2012   Comment on This

I was a mall walker last Sunday before the show.

It’s not like I had a track suit on and got there at 6:30am. It was midday and I was walking around to kill time – but I still felt ridiculous.

I went with The Diva to see the “newest place” she’s found... which sucked...

Women have a weird (damaged) genetic coding sequence that causes them to hallucinate whenever a new store opens or they find a store they’ve never visited before. I believe they see rainbows, butterflies, unicorns and free pots of gold (or something like that).

Women see a Shimmering Shopping Fantasy.
Men see Shopping places for what they really are.

So I wandered around looking for anything remotely interesting: a book store, a cigar chop, a Tilted Kilt, whatever.... It was either that or end up like one of those guys that get stuck sitting in a “Death Chair”

You know the "Death Chair" - "Chair of Death" - whatever you like to call it.
You’ve seen them a million times...

They put them near women’s dressing rooms (any chair in a women’s shoe department is also a “Death Chair”). They are disguised as a convenience for a weary companion that has been dragged from store-to-store in search of the perfect purse/dress/shoe/pants/jewelry.

In reality, "Death Chairs" are a place dumb guys go to die - like an Elephant Graveyard.

The “Death Chairs” are never normal chairs. They are either overly “worn in” club chairs that make you sink all the way down to the height of the trained pet you’ve become. Or, other "Death Chairs" are instead a flamboyant purple-striped high back throne better suited for Liberace than you. The worst kind, is the silly looking mini-bench thing without armrests. They are just barely wide enough for two - which is awesome so that you can sit "super close" to a new “man friend” you’ll be meeting any moment who is also there to die.

Misery loves company.

I never found anything I would categorize as interesting – just miles of clothing stores, shoe stores and lots of mall food court crap.

At least I got some exercise accomplished for the day.

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Recent Blogs

3/7/2012 Evanston Takes a Stand
2/23/2012 Bathroom Hands
1/30/2012 It's kind of funny...
1/13/2012 Can You Please Rate Me?
1/9/2012 Death Chairs

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