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Can You Lose Friends With Spell Check? - Depends6/18/2009Ok, the guy really wasn’t a friend. Really, he was somebody sending mass emails and I was explaining to him the problem of his ways. “Nobody is getting these emails!” I explained, “These go to me only... and since they aren’t addressed properly, I delete them and assume they are junk.” So, he replies:  “Sorry for any incontinence.” I know that he meant "inconvenience" rather than incontinence. I could have been a nice guy and let it slide – but that wouldn’t be the “Man’s Show” thing to do – would it? I need to maintain my smart ass edge to hold my own with Pinkus. So I reply: “Fortunately, I haven’t experienced any incontinence – (LOL, spell check can be dangerous).” So now, some guy thinks I’m an ass for busting his balls… And I am. That’s a fair assessment. Bottom Line:
Got an incontinence or spell check story for me – tell me about it 
I’ve lost a lot of respect for David Letterman6/12/2009He’s backpedaling now and trying to imply that he was making a “knocked up” joke about the older Sarah Plain daughter – not the 14 year old. So, making a “knocked up” joke about the 18 year old daughter is better? No. It isn’t. Sarah Palin’s daughters are not pop stars or publicity seekers wearing skimpy clothes trying to get attention. They are the kids of a politician who have been made visible by nature of their mother’s visibility. I’m not defending the girls because of their mother’s politics – going after kids is just wrong. Neither daughter deserves this harsh treatment, especially from a guy who “knocked up” a woman he was not married to. He can’t blame this on the writers; if he blindly says anything that gets handed to him then he’s an idiot and a parrot. With that joke, I think Dave has officially Jumped the Shark. While defending himself, he sounded like a cranky old man belligerently justifying an outdated worldview. It was almost pathetic. I always liked Letterman more than Leno but maybe now “it’s time” He initially addressed this controversy by reiterating and justifying the appropriateness of the joke. Now he is backing down and acknowledging that is was in “poor taste” only because he’s now got the press and advertisers taking an interest. I’m happy about the new era of Conan O’Brien (an Irishman) to usher in the late night retirement of Leno/Letterman. Recent articles indicated Letterman was starting to outperform Conan in the ratings (Letterman was always behind Leno). Let’s see what happens after this shake-up. It only takes one wrong move to radically change public opinion. Conan’s star is rising; Letterman’s star is coughing up blood. Vote with your remote.
I “am” crying over spilled milk5/25/2009There are infinitely more important things happening in the world to discuss compared to the stupid things you’ll find in my blog – but sometimes you need a break from the “smart and serious world.” Which brings us to Sam’s Club and Costco’s new milk container... This is fresh in my mind because against better judgment, we purchased a gallon of milk in one of these new milk containers recently (hoping for the best) and I was reminded of how much I can’t believe somebody thought these were a “good idea.”  In case you don’t know, the “Club Stores” (Sam’s Club and Costco) came out with a new rounded rectangular cube container for milk in 2008, when the gas prices were at their peak. This new design was pitched as a more cost effective way to transport and distribute milk. When it first came out, many people in “The Media” applauded the effort and the energy savings and eco-friendliness but you could hear the reservation in their comments because it was an equally stupid idea back then. These retailers have provided a whole host of reasons why this is so superior to the old milk container ranging from how well if fits in your refrigerator to how efficiently they stack in trucks. I’m sure they are right about all of that – but they goofed on at least one important “feature.” It’s completely UNUSABLE and I will never buy one again. When you open one of these, the first few pours are almost guaranteed to cause milk to spill everywhere. After the thing is nearly empty, it gets better, but the wide cap seems to have been designed to cause drips. It seems as though ZERO thought was put into usability testing. The whole thing seems like a publicity stunt and a knee-jerk reaction to gas prices without thinking it through – like the brilliant “New Coke” maneuver a few years back. So far, the people at the helm of these “Club Stores” who made these dumb decisions have not backed down and called it a failure. Now, let’s throw some more fuel on the fire. In case you haven’t looked closely, these “better jugs" are made with significantly thicker plastic compared to the old containers. I’m guessing nearly twice as much by weight. So, do these require more plastic to produce? Last time I checked, plastic is made using OIL. How can that be the smartest and most well "thought out" solution? Is this really any true progress? A better solution? Should technological advancements be harder to use and consume more resources in a different way? There are two ways to let people know they’ve made a bad decision - tell them or show them. So I invite you to “show them” by not buying milk in these ridiculous containers. If you are bored, you can find contact information on their websites and “tell them” by emailing too. Sadly, I “am” crying over spilled milk - due to special circumstances.
Good Things Happen When You Get Off Your Ass5/15/2009I know what you’re thinking – You think I found some old Richard Simmons VHS-Tape at a garage sale and I’m now on a new “exercise kick” or something.  Nope.Nothing that sinister. In fact, it’s almost the opposite. I had a fast food craving and a “Maxwell Street Polish” came to mind. If you've never had a "Maxwell" you haven't lived yet. It's all wrong and all right at the same time. The best place I can get one of those near work is Portillios. It wasn’t pouring rain but it was drizzling. As I get nearer to Portillios, I see the traffic jam and the “drive through” line wrapping around the parking lot and onto the street. I admit, I planned on using the "drive through" too but when I saw a line around the building, I took a chance on parking and running in for my order. Last time I checked, a little rain wouldn’t kill me and I hoped to save a few minutes compared to the “drive through” line which looked at least 25 minutes long. When I walked in, I was shocked to see NOBODY in line to order food at a Portillios at 12:20pm on a Friday. When I say NOBODY, I don’t mean just a few people – I mean NOBODY. I had my choice of two available/empty registers. By the time I ordered, paid and casually walked over to the “pick up” counter – they called my number and it was ready. I was back in my car in less than three minutes and I don’t think the “drive through” line had advanced more than ONE car. I chuckled at all those sorry/hungry/stranded/lazy people. I got off my ass and something good happened. Nothing worthy of an Ayn Rand novel; I just shaved a few minutes of mindless waiting out of my busy day. The fact that was able to eat a Polish Sausage dipped in a deep fryer with greasy onions “quicker” probably negates anything good about the story in the long run. But your mileage may vary. So - Get off your ass… and wherever you go – tell ‘em I sent ya.
River Grove – Where It All Started…5/8/2009 When I heard we are doing a LIVIN LARGE remote broadcast on May 17th from River Grove, I thought I heard wrong. I was expecting a super-mega sports bar with 500 plasma screens in some high rent suburban town. Instead, I’m going home. River Grove is where I grew up (where it all started): As kids in River Grove…
It was our little square of The Earth and we knew every inch of our turf. We knew every rock, every line of yellow parking lot paint and every good hiding place. Every day, we would freshly travel around the streets, alleys and gangways. We knew just how far we could go, in any direction, before we were beyond some mysterious "boundary of safety" that should not be crossed. When you go back, it’s never the same. Everything looks a little smaller and a little different than you remember at the intersection of passing time and childhood fascination. Either way, I’ll feel a little bit like the Mayor that day. I expect a banner across Thatcher that says “Former local street urchin ‘does us proud’ and returns for a visit” Do you think there will be a parade? Me Neither. Above all, I hope the cemetery guy doesn’t spot me – I can’t run as fast as I used to.
How Can We Stop "The Economy" From Catching Swine Flu?4/30/2009With the arrival of the Swine Flu consumers have started to reduce their pork intake. If you’re reading something I’ve written, you’ve already identified yourself as above mean intelligence. However, consider this snippet from an article found in the NY Times (I’m confident these people do not read my blog): At a grocery store in downtown Houston, Gina Tran, a homemaker, said she usually bought pork but had stopped because of safety concerns. Hang on, I’m taking notes…“People in Mexico ate some pork and got sick, right?” said Ms. Tran, who was looking for selections in the beef case. (That is not what happened, as far as anyone knows.) Yvonne Enard, a retired warehouse worker, said she too believed there was a connection between pork and swine flu but figured it would be safe to eat anyway. “I’ll buy it, but I wouldn’t buy it from just any store, and I would season it and cook it very well,” she said.
 Now, places ranging from the Philippines to Russia (including Kazakhstan) are banning meat imports from the US. Hmmm… Either the leaders of those nations are as dumb as they are portrayed in so many “action movies” and think the virus is in the meat - or - they are opportunistically using a catastrophe to promote a protectionist agenda to improve their local and/or nearby economies.So, why can’t we just ban our way back to prosperity too by getting rid if imports? We can start with foreign cars and move on to electronics, oil and foods (Irish Guinness and anything Italian are excluded of course). Ok, I know that this is a really stupid and simplistic idea, wrought with inaccuracies and false conclusions, and that it is doomed to fail, but these are the kind of courageous decisions world leaders need to make these days to be considered brilliant. And, I didn’t even go to Harvard...
Somalia Pirates to U.S. - That’s Just Rude4/13/2009Somali citizens and pirates alike are “steaming mad” that the US has broke from tradition and acted in a very unsportsmanlike way. For years now, both sides of the Somali Pirate Dramas have known their roles and expected performances. But when the US messed up its lines in a recent performance, Somali critics were quick to chastise.  Somali Pirate Spokesperson, Weshowedup Nowgivedaboat elaborated, “The fact that we brandish heavy weapons and threaten to kill hostages while holding property for ransom is irrelevant. The US knows how the game works: we take boats and hostages by force and you give us money. That's how it has always been done. The British would never act this way! That’s just rude.”Pirates came out in droves to protest outside the US embassy in Mogadishu. A representative for the protestors threatened, “If this happens again, we’ll be forced to Unionize. With the establishment of The Somali Pirate Union (TSPU), we’ll be able to negotiate better terms of engagement that are safer for Somali Pirates and higher ransom fees to return ships. Additionally, we’ll demand 401k, disability and healthcare benefits.” A spokesperson for the Navy Seals, Lt. Col. Headshot responded, “We never got the memo instructing us to implement a ‘pretending fighting scenario’ and due to recent budget cuts, we’re eliminating ‘pretend fight training’ altogether – plus, our boys were so juiced up on Red Bull after floating in the water for days, we had to let them do something.” For now, Somali Pirates are only hijacking non-US ships and taking a “wait and see” attitude, trying to determine if they’ll allow the US back into the game, or shut them out completely. As one Somali put it, “It’s our game and our rules; they either play the game the right way or we’ll take our machine guns and go home.” Reporting “Live” from the Golf of Aden, this is Frank E Boy from LIVIN LARGE news.
The Pinker’s Best Quality4/2/2009Dan Levy and I had a thought provoking discussion and summit within the confines of a Greek Media event last night Neither of us is Greek, but we like Greek people and Greek food – so we snuck in anyway. We have an ongoing debate about which of The Pinker's reoccurring "catch phrases" is the best.  There’s also this variation: “Hang on a Second… Do you mean to tell me…” (not said in high pitch) which leads directly into the rant. I prefer when Geoff says either: "Beautiful" or "He’s the Best" which he delivers in ascending pitch with his right hand face–high, palm facing up. You’ll be saying to Geoff: “maybe we can get So-and-So to help us – he’s a good guy.” And The Pinker responds: “He’s the Best!” After a considerable amount of Greek food and Gin, we couldn’t come to a “catch phrase” conclusion - so in the end we decided that The Pinker’s best quality is… Kathy Pinkus |
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