Frank's Blog Archive

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Maybe Dumber Than Hot

5/19/2010

Our buddy Tommy Z is hot for Megan Fox.
planetzman.com/entertainment/megan-foxthe-exclusive-zman-interview

Tommy is all about cougars but this one’s a little young and maybe not so smart. Sometimes all the Hollywood attention plays games with actors' heads and they think they own the world (we don’t know anyone like that).

Megan Fox

Bad news for her - she was just voted off the Island.

www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2010/05/19/entertainment/e175733D81.DTL

Her last movie made 16 million (chump change for Hollywood) - doesn’t say how much money they lost but I can guess.

Not a brilliant move to make waves when working on a $1.5 billion dollar movie franchise. There are literally millions of good looking girls waiting in line to be the next “soup du jour” - I can hear the guy at the deli now – he’s yelling “NEXT!!”

Maybe her next movie might work – again with a real pro, John Malkovich. Now that she messed up working with Shia LaBeouf, who will be the next Tom Hanks, she needs to do something to redeem herself. She should blow in a call to John Travolta (and/or Quentin Tarantino) – he pulled his crap out of the dumpster. A conversion to scientology may be on her horizon.

How did this mess happen? Only three possibilities: demanding too much money, too trashy for their tastes or she’s a pain in the ass to work with. Maybe it’s all three – a trifecta (I can’t believe spell check doesn’t know the word trifecta – what is this world coming to).

Am I being too harsh? Maybe... But the ref always gets dirty looks from fans and parents when he makes the right call.

Remember Monopoly: I Want to Be The Banker

4/27/2010

I had a few moments break between phone calls today and thought I'd take a crack at solving this whole National Debt thing. You know, when you finally get tired of something, you put your nose to the grindstone and you come up with a solution.

It's like pulling an "all nighter" in college to prepare for an exam.

I really don't have a ton of time to put towards this, but I figure any time is more than the current Congress has put towards it, so maybe I have a shot.

You know the old saying, if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.

So, I figured...

When banks need money, they always find a way to get what they want. Whether they break the law, pass some crazy fee onto the customer, get a loan from somebody else or get bailed out, they always find a way to resolve their money issues.

So, I took a play right out of their playbook...

Click the Letter I wrote. Think this will work?

If it does, I may just be the smartest guy alive.

Happy Birthday!

4/15/2010

As you know, my blog can sometimes take a distracted turn – disgracefully disappearing for shuddering periods of time. And so, in a new turn, I return; yet emerging unquestionably different from retirement with a priceless old pal willyS. Not that he’s some fat-witted and fiendlike gangstah rappah, but maybe a consanguineous semi-distant cousin (the real OG) who was dealing unrivaled rhyming roguery back in the day and the birthplace of the language. With overview, he guides this overblown overgrowth toward nonregardance from the overcredulous.

You think you're marketable?
You’re nothing but a zany, foul-mouthed bump.
You couldn’t champion the same roadway as my nimble-footed, catlike pedant silly-willyS

Ok – what they hell am I talking about?
Are you totally lost? Good!

By now, some understand - but the others... well... you need to cover up because your GED is showing.

We're talking about the master of the King's written word, the employer of excitement who will always be the foregone hero.

You have no idea, still?

As willyS might say - you appear “uneducated” - or do you feign batty for expedience?

If you compromise defeat and stand prepared to expose your seamy, idle-headed nature - know that I am not cruelhearted or distrustful, yet duteous, and offer the goods of my depositary with nary more than a click.

Happy Birthday (soon) willyS. Long gone, but your presence continues to glow in unquestioned fixture.

How many words have you coined? We lost count... (See here)

Clicked on the picture and can't make out the signature?
(you STILL don't get it? - wow!!) CLICK HERE

The Time Stimulus Package

3/14/2010

Hey it was “just” that time of year again! No, no... not that weird naked ritual you and your neighbors do in the back yard – I’m talking about daylight savings time.

So on Saturday night, I’m grazing on some snack food with my son and the Diva reminds us: “Don’t forget... The clocks change tonight...” I asked “we gain or lose an hour?” If I wasn’t in a potato chip induced food coma, I would have remembered (“spring ahead”). When she said, “we lose an hour,” we both simultaneously let out a sound that sounded like swearing and letting the air out of your tires.

Obama Time Stimulus Package

I’m too tired to lose an hour.
I need that hour.

So, we both considered, can’t Obama do something about this? Didn’t they goof around with daylight saving time a while back to extend it or something?

Since the Obama “dream team” comes up with a new, goofy-ass plan almost daily, we think this should be the next thing he tries to ram through Congress: The Time Stimulus Package.

The Time Stimulus Package of 2010 modifies daylight savings so that regardless of the season, Spring or Fall, the clocks are adjusted to provide an extra hour of sleep. Forget about sunlight, energy savings and all that other crap. When you think about the other impossible and financially ridiculous things they've proposed, this sounds like a "no brainer" - right?

We want more sleep and we don’t care who has to deal with the consequences. So, for the next 10, 15 or 20+ years, we get more sleep and then one day in the future, when there is only one remaining employed American – the poor bastard will need to work 22 hour days forever. He’ll curse the former president and his staff every day, but by then Obama will have retired from politics and will be a Television Talk Show Host, working for his new boss, Oprah, making billions.

Hey it’s not my problem – I didn’t vote for Obama. Plus, I’ll be retired by then too, living off all the free benefits the government will provide from taxing the life and soul out of that sorry sap. My only worry is that I hope there’s no way they figure out how to incorporate a "freeloaders only provision" where they give the extra hour ONLY to Obama supporters.

Hospital Pickup Lines

2/3/2010

Over the years, I've spent a lot of time around hospitals and medical offices at my “other” job. The people that work in healthcare have a tough assignment – it’s not easy being around people that have health problems. Healthcare workers have to stay focused on "helping people" to avoid getting depressed. Eventually, many become a little twisted and look for the humor in what is otherwise a non-humorous place. The twisted humor somehow adds sanity to an insane place in a weird way.

So, the other day, I’m in a hospital waiting room. People are walking up, and signing in for tests and surgeries. Some have a smile, while others have a pretty somber look on their face.

Then, along comes along "Mr Story" (with vocal volume set to 10)

Greeter: Hello sir, are you checking in?
Mr Story: My doctor says I should have this test because for the last year I’ve been having this problem and he thinks...

Greeter: Can I have your name sir?
Mr Story: (has not stopped taking) ...and I don’t know if I need this but he says we should do it anyway because then...

Greeter: (trying to get a word in) SIR, are you scheduled for a test today?
Mr Story: (has not even taken a breath) ...so I’m just supposed to show up here and you will know what I’m here for and...

Greeter: (interrupting) Your NAME sir, please?
Mr Story: (finally pausing) ...Oh - I’m Sam Story - and so do I wait here or is there somewhere else I need to go to...

He just can’t help himself. Some people talk a lot when they’re nervous but this guy ain’t nervous – he’s a talk-a-holic who can’t stop. It’s a symptom of bad parenting and I shouldn’t laugh but I can’t help it. He’s obnoxious and hilarious.

So they tell him to go sit down and he does sit - but he's poised like a hawk waiting to pounce on the next victim. After a few moments, a pair of twenty something girls show up for a “test.” They’re very giggly and look a little trashy with lots of piercings, tattoos and thick makeup – I’m postulating maybe an STD test but I could be wrong.

Mr Story is watching them like a spectator at a tennis match – his eyes and head change direction from one to the other and back as they giggle and whisper to each other.

Finally, I think he realized that he hadn’t talked for almost five minutes and something just bursts out of nowhere... I’m not even sure he was conscious of it until it came out.

Mr Story: So.... Are you girls here for surgery?...

I am so glad I hadn’t just taken a sip of coffee – because I would have sprayed it all over the room out of my nose. That’s "the best" ice breaker/pickup line I’ve ever heard.

They simultaneously said “NoooOOO” – almost like backup singers in harmony. Then they retreated into quieter whispers and louder giggles while Mr Story (oblivious) scanned the room for his next target.

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